The bonus adult train

My 35th birthday was a bitch. Even nearly two years after that milestone, I still feel grateful to be free of the angst of that time. For me and perhaps for you, 35 marked the end of being young, meaning that I was no longer building the foundation of my adult life. The foundation, like it or not, was set--and I mostly liked mine. But the fact that I was not a mother and didn't want to be one was a point of profound uncertainty. What would I build on the foundation I had laid in my 20s and early 30s if I was not a parent? Would it be a worthy structure, would it "count," if it did not involve a crib and a car seat? Was I selfish? Would my life mean anything if I didn't contribute a few new members to the next generation?

It was in the midst of this turmoil that I remembered the words, years distant, of a friend and mentor of mine. I was probably 19 or 20, fresh out of the closet, and she was probably in her late 40s. I asked if she and her longtime partner (who was in her 30s) were planning to have kids. This was sometime in the mid-1990s when lesbians were first having babies all over the place. My friend said no. Then she said something that would change my life 15 years later. (Isn't it amazing? We never know when this will happen!) She said, "No, I don't think so. We are going to keep ourselves available. You know, in case we're needed." She then went on to speak of her various nieces and nephews, all young children at the time. The implication was that if any of those kids needed a home, hers would be open to them, just in case.

As I sat in my apartment in Abu Dhabi two years ago, mourning the loss of my youth, these words somehow combined with a few articles I had read concerning the evolutionary reasons for homosexuality. Turns out gayness is a big conundrum, now that everyone has stopped believing it's a pathology. Cause if it's not (and let me emphasize that it most certainly is not. I mean, really...), then it has to have stayed in the gene pool for a good scientific reason. This reason, many believe, concerns the need (apparently true for all species, not just homo sapiens) for bonus adults, adults that do not reproduce but still contribute to the society in meaningful ways.

I latched onto this in the depths of my drama, and the rightness of it gave me strength. I was not selfish or devoid of meaning. I was fulfilling my evolutionary destiny! (Cue the soaring trumpets!) But then I got to thinking about life in the 21st century and how being childless no longer has anything to do with one's sexual orientation. Nor has it historically, if you think about it for a few more seconds. (Plenty of closeted people throughout the ages have had kids.) The point is bonus adults are needed, regardless of who they are or who they sleep with. Evolutionarily it makes sense--and always has--to have non-reproducing adults in the system. They are needed to make things run smoother and also, I would argue, to perform vital tasks that parents are unable to do in great numbers.

Take the religious institutions of the Middle Ages. Those monks and nuns did a lot to keep knowledge alive and communities stable through those tumultuous centuries. They were all of them bonus adults. At that time, whether you were a lord or a serf, you needed to work very hard to provide for your offspring. You didn't have time to copy manuscripts and hide them from the Vikings, among other things. I wouldn't go so far as to say the whole of Western Civilization as we know it rests on the backs of the bonus adults of the Dark Ages, but they kept the flame alive in a meaningful way. This trend continued in religious life and other key institutions (for a long time scholars and college professors were expected to be celibate--or at least unmarried). Interestingly, the man who laid the foundations for modern genetics, Gregor Mendel was himself a Augustinian monk and childless.

Now, the last thing I want to imply is that parents are incapable of great things. This is NOT what I'm saying. For every bonus adult of note, there are countless greats who did have kids. But both things can be true at once: bonus adults can be needed and necessary AND parents can also contribute to the society beyond just parenthood. Clearly.

Yet only one half of this equation is widely recognized. The value of parenthood is universally and appropriately respected. As well it should be! But the role of bonus adults is not celebrated in the same way, despite the contributions these folks have made throughout history. There is no acknowledgment of how much we, as a society, need bonus adults whether they be gay or straight. And no corresponding obligation that being childless should involve more than being a SINK or a DINK (single/double income-no kids). Giving legitimate props to bonus adults, rather than urging them to become parents themselves or wondering why they don't, will encourage more involvement, a greater sense of belonging and, likely, fewer dirty looks on airplanes and in restaurants.

I don't mind explaining why I don't feel called to have kids. But I'd rather not have to. I'd rather be able to say, "Actually, I'm a bonus adult" and have people understand what that means. I'd rather not have people compliment me by saying I'd make a good mother, and rather have them compliment me on my decision to help educate the next generation in a manner that is difficult (though certainly not impossible) for a parent to do. I'd rather have everyone acknowledge the role bonus adults have played in their lives and in our common life through the ages.

We might be a long way from that. But, in the meantime, I have embraced being a bonus adult as part of my identity. As my 37th birthday fast approaches, I feel a great sense of peace about growing older and into my not-young adultness as a fully contributing member of a society that needs me not to have kids as much as it needs people who do.

If you know any bonus adults, give them some love today. If they are struggling with their bonus adultness, let them know how much they are needed. Take the advice of our national bonus adult, Oprah, who works tirelessly on behalf of children and families in a way she might not be able to do as a parent. She says, "The whole point of being alive is to evolve into the complete person you are intended to be." Words to live by for everyone, parents and bonus adults both.

PS: I never give dirty looks in restaurants or on airplanes.